JOHN DILLERMAND WOULD RUIN SPORTS!
Drama is brewing in Denmark over the latest children’s TV show to sweep the nation — John Dillermand. It’s a pedestrian name for a show in which an elderly man with a giant acrobatic penis saves himself, and others from trouble.
Now look, I have no intention of being crass about this, but John Dillermand’s incredible extending penis would be the most influential, sports-breaking appendage of all time. Seriously.
I’m kind of shocked the sports importance is underplayed in the trailer. We see him saving people, whipping back tigers, and flying like a helicopter — but not dominating on the field like he should be.
What we know about John Dillermand’s penis?
It appears to be able to extend to roughly 20 feet long. Dillermand has full control over its rigidity and length. In addition it’s full of strength, being able to lift a washing machine from a body of water and return it safely to land.
The average washing machine weighs around 230 pounds, to give us a baseline. Considering the ease with which he lifts it, we can assume Dillermand’s penis has a tensile strength of around 400 pounds or so at full extension.
Where would Dillermand’s penis break sports?
Dillermand would be the No. 1 pick on every single NBA team. There’s no need for a super team with Dillermand on the court, because he can defend all five positions with his penis. He could extend it out and block shots on the perimeter, shoot it up to guard the paint. On the other end of the court he could extend his penis from the three point line, and drop the ball into the basket with his feet behind the line.
All you can do is hope to foul him. It’s your only hope.
A two-way player, Dillermand would be the ultimate quarterback and middle linebacker who would alter statistics as we know them. As soon as the ball is snapped he could extend his penis over the line, hand the ball off to a receiver and it would be impossible to stop.
Running backs would cease to exist. Receivers would lead the league in rushing yards, thanks to the penis handoff strat.
On defense he would shoot his penis under the defensive line, wrap up the legs of a quarterback, and record 20 sacks a game. His penis would be banned for sure.
I’m not sure what kind of speed Dillermand can generate with his penis, but if he coils it in such a way I have to imagine he could generate ludicrous speed throwing the ball with it.
Dillermand could make his penis the shape of a cesta in Jai-Alai and hurl the ball at over 200 miles per hour. I don’t know what his placement would be like, but nobody is hitting a ball throwing by Dillermand’s penis.
There would need to be new rules invented to stop him. It would not be fair for him to take someone down and choke them with his penis like an anaconda, with no chance of reprisal because striking his penis would be considered a low blow.
It would be tragically unfair and require new rules to be written.
Goes without saying, really.
Literally any other sport
There isn’t a single sport which doesn’t get broken by Dillermand’s skills. Think of it, he’ll break it. Imagine the possibility, he’ll ruin it. Dillermand would win every gold medal, be the highest paid player in every sport, and absolutely destroy the basic concept of athleticism as we know it. All because of his amazing extendo-penis.